Recommended: Tony Bennett

Ok, maybe I'm getting old. Two weeks ago, if you had told me I would be listening to Tony Bennett and Bono singing a duet of "I Wanna Be Around", I would have mocked. But I am, and I love it. I stumbled across Tony's special last Tuesday on NBC in high def. It was beautifully shot, and the duets with everyone from Paul McCartney to Christina Aguilera were tastefully done ... even the pop kiddos were very respectful and gave deference to Mr. Bennett without showing off. The standout tracks are with Stevie Wonder singing "For Once in my Life" and with Michael Buble singing "Just in Time". James Taylor continues to annoy me this month with his rendition of "Put on a Happy Face", but it's a rare miss on this great album.

Check out the Duets album on iTunes.

Christmas Crap: An Encore Presentation

Happy holidays NTYAMB readers! Since many of you will be hitting the stores today and over the coming weeks, I thought I would re-post my sage advice on holiday gift giving no-no's.

It's the thought that counts, but you don't want your loved one to wonder what the hell you were thinking. The following list was originally posted last December, but I have revised, updated and added a few tips to keep you properly apprised of gift pitfalls.

1. Precious Moments. These overpriced dust collectors are not precious. They are porcelain pieces of kitsch crap. Figurines featuring teddy bears, cherub tears, or bare baby bottoms are unbearable. Put them in the middle of a snow globe and you have just about the goofiest gift possible. Really. This should just be common sense, yet this company sell millions of these things every year. Just stop the madness.

2. Clothing with large logos. Even if the brand is a good one, big logos or brand names emblazoned across apparel are obnoxious. It says, "Look, I bought you a shirt from OLD NAVY!"

3. Cheap Tool Kits. Tools are a great gift, but crap tools are dangerous. I don't have enough space here to give you much guidance on selecting good tools, but here are a few basic rules of thumb: if you get 20+ pieces for $19.99 ... junk. If the tools are made in China or Honduras, they are sure to be die-cast crap. You really do get what you pay for with tools, so save your loved-one's knuckles and either buy the good stuff or think of something else.

4. Any electronic personal hygiene device, particularly for nose hair or dead skin removal, is off limits unless they specifically requested it and you know the person very well.

5. Beer. Now I appreciate the sentiment, I really do, but if you must give alcohol, make it a nice liqueur or bottle of wine.

6. Imposter fragrances. This gift strikes two blows in one little package: it says, "I'm shameless and cheap" AND "You're not worth the good stuff".

7. Framed inspirational cheese. You know what I'm talking about ... these shlock slogans from Hallmark and Successories. If my "Friendship is Priceless" then spring for a latte and tell me over a cup of coffee, don't buy me a poster of two baby elephants frolicking in the mud. For a great parody of Successories, click here.

8. Holiday apparel. The thoughtful shopper should avoid Christmas sweaters, ties, socks, underwear, etc. Particularly anything with applique or batteries. You may know someone who would love a bright green sweater with a faux Santa-fur collar covered in jingle bells and blinking lights, but they shouldn't, so do your loved one a fashion favor and get them something tasteful.

9. McDonalds gift certificates. I actually know a responsible 29 year old who got $50 in Mickey D's certs from his parents. This is a gag gift, people. I'm against gift certificates in general (other than iTunes) because it's like giving someone a wad of cash. (Disclaimer: Mom, Dad, if you are reading this, giving cash or cash equivalents to your children is perfectly tasteful and I appreciate every last penny ... love you, I'll call soon.)

10. Teeth whitening regimens. I was appalled (yet amused) to see a Crest Whitestip gift-pack at Target the other day. Nothing celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus and the love you have for your friends and family like giving chemicals for yellow teeth.

Remember, shopping at the mall is much more tolerable drunk, so grab a Christmas cocktail and take a cab. I'll see you out there!

Recommended: Austin City Limits Fest

Welcome Cochinillo Del Fuego

I'm pleased and amused to welcome my good friend Bones to the blogosphere. He has a very funny blog about his Japanese motorcycle and his gambling ... let's call it "fixation".

Bones is one of those guys who knows a little bit about everything, and has a hundred and forty three hobbies ... all of which are gear-intensive and drive his infinitely patient wife bonkers. But I'm not complaining because it means Bones is always up for anything, and has the gear to do it, be it surfing, fly fishing, sushi rolling, or motorcycle repair.

Click here to read one of my recent favorite posts on "Piglet of Fire".

Refurbished Mac

Unlike the 4 or 5 new PCs I've purchased that only lost luster over time, I love my Mac more and more.

Though the switch 9 months ago was a little rocky, I can't ever imagine going back to Windows from Mac OS, and every day at work I plot and scheme as to how I will talk my company into letting me change my work computer to a Mac.

Had I simply been a victim to great marketing, as the cynics around me supposed, I would have by now become jaded. Instead, I can't wait to buy a Mac Pro desktop in the spring when the new Leopard OS comes out.

What to change over but low on cash? Check out Apple's refurbished inventory of Mac computers and iPod music players. Refurbished items look like new and come with Apple warranties. My year-old refurbished 23" Cinema Display has worked flawlessly and I would never have known it was used had I not paid $400 less than new prices. You can save a bundle on iPods, especially if you can live with a model that is a year old or more.

Also, check out the series of new Apple ads.

Eu não falo.

"Was that Portuguese," I asked the clerk at the grocery, after eavesdropping on her and the customer in line in front of me?

"Yes."

"Does he work next door at The Grill from Ipanema?"

"Yes."

"I love that place. I like to go there and try to order in my terrible Portuguese, but I always end up having to point at the menu because they never understand me."

Silence.

"I speak a little Portuguese."

Silence.

"Mas, o meu vocabulário é muito pequeno..."

"Please don't do that," she finally said.

This really happened.

The Office was funny last night. FALSE!

The Office really got on my nerves last night. This two-girls fighting over Jim thing is going to get old real quick. I'm kinda sad. I really like this show.

Close Encounters

I was gaining on him from behind, but he was in the middle of the sidewalk and we had fallen into a awkward rhythm where he was slowing me down, but it would take an aggressive gait to pass him. Suddenly he slowed to my pace and faced me.

"Do you know where there is a Whole Foods?"

"Yes, but it's the other way," I said, trying to avoid eye contact.

"I'm not going there now ... but for later."

"14th and P, near Logan Circle."

"Do you know where I could find it in the mean time?"

"Find what?"

"The Utne Reader"

(stunned silence)

Smirking, he said, "It's hard to find around here ... this town is so conservative."

"I'm really not sure. I don't read the Utne Reader."

As I walked away from him, I thought to myself, "Dude ... DC conservative? Maybe you should start with a regular newspaper."

I find myself annoyed at interactions like this, but really I should just enjoy the absurdity and humor. Random conversations with strangers ... some who are great, and some who are just strange ... are why I moved into the city. It's just taking me a while to lose my suburban bristling at encounters with people who are very different and sometimes not entirely coherent.

It just makes life so much more interesting.

Take 2

Much better, I guess this means I should smile more often ...

In Strange Company

Thanks to Holly for hooking me up with this site where you can see which celebrities you look like. How can the same person look both like Orlando Bloom and Francis McDormand?

Dormitory Boys: Made in China

I'm not sure why this made me laugh so hard, but it did ... for about 20 minutes. The guy on the left is hilarious. Apparently, these guys have made dozens of lip synching videos from their dorm, and there is always a guy in the background on the other computer, which in some ways is one of the funniest parts.

These two are now so famous that they appear on local tv variety shows. Oh, the power of the internet.

Dormitory Boys

Maybe Vanilla Ice ain't so bad after all ...

Good Lord have mercy. Someone please get this guy a shirt and a new hobby. Thanks to Jumbo Slice for this great music recommendation. I am particularly moved by this hip-hop artist's heartfelt intro.

Vacation 06 Soundtrack

I was about to clear off some playlists in iTunes, when I came across the list from my August trip to LA and Austin. I gave it another listen and decided to share it cause it was just so darn good.

Most of these picks were recommendations from GirlconQueso, and some were new purchases I made just before I got on the plane. They ended up being the backdrop for drives along the coast, walks through Manhattan Beach, laying by the pool at the Hotel San Jose, and cruising country roads in a big-ass Tahoe.

Check 'em out.

Super Zoe, where for art thou?

My most faithful reader, and diligent commenter, Super Zoe, has fallen off the map here at "Not that you asked me, but ..."

Why, I wonder?

Maybe because it's "half past you're boring", as she has told me occasionally when I've asked her for the time.

Or maybe it's because she was a teacher and my terrible spelling is driving her crazy.

Or maybe it's because she is practically a lone voice amidst the comments here. Although Zoe is not yet a parent, she has a lot more repartee amongst the mom-bloggers over at Blog con Queso, where the servers are practically over-loaded by all the comments.

Don't you people know that my only source of self-esteem is the counter on this blog and the comments you leave? The only price of admission here at "Not that you asked me, but ... " is an occasional comment on a post. Be complimentary, be esoteric, be rude! Heck I don't care what you say, just say something already! I know you're there ... I can see the dozens of daily hits ... so speak! It's like sitting in a pitch black room with someone who won't talk ... I can hear you breathing.

Do it if only to bring Super Zoe back. We miss you SZ ...

Who am I in cyberspace? And James T.

"Because you've downloaded music by Josh Groban from iTunes in the past, we thought you'd like to know about his new album, Awake. "

What the @#$%!??

This is the note I had waiting for me in my inbox this morning. Let me start by saying that I have never purchased anything by Josh Groban, on iTunes or anywhere else for that matter. I confirmed this via an exhaustive review of my music library. I checked albums, artists, soudtracks ... nothing, NO-THING, by Josh Groban.

And yet, somewhere out there is a data record that indicates that I like Josh Groban. And now that I have written this post, people will get my blog if they Google Josh.

It really is disturbing to consider what cyber history will say about us decades after we pass. The tracks we leave as we browse, surf, search, and purchase online are permanent, as I'm told by my friends at DOJ, and with the right permission slip, not-to-smart nosey people can see it all.

But I'm not too worried about my INTENTIONAL internet tracks, it's stuff like my accidental association with Mr. Groban that has me worried. Does the same server in Cupertino, CA think I like Daniel Powter, Fergie or Bananarama? Will I start to get magazines about scrapbooking or rugby due to some mistake in some accidental personal preference profile? Will my biographer someday get the impression that I ordered a George Foreman grill or one of those brushes that automaticall spins your hair into big, soft curls?

I guess I'll never know because none of us can check or correct all the info that is out there on us ... we just have to hope for the best.

As if things could not get worse, James Taylor just released a Christmas album. This is what happens when great artists don't die young in a flaming Porsche on the side of the road or in a bathtub full of pills ... they get old and goofy.

This sage of "Fire and Rain" fame got old, had some kids, and now rattles around on Martha's Vineyard making silly music. Songwriters should get better with age, right? Why wouldn't the wisdom that comes from a life of adventure as a famous rock legend not yield golden-years tunes that shine brighter than the early work? Does this mean that James can't write great stuff unless he's nailing a 25 year old Joni Mitchell on the beach or smoking dope in some Boston frat house? I hope not.

Good grief, is that a Burberry scarf around his neck?

But perhaps the saddest fact of the day is that I'm about to purchase a track off the James Taylor Christmas album.

Shame on Kanye

You would be hard-pressed to find someone being more infantile and disrespectful than Kanye West at the MTV Europe awards last week ... well, on second thought.

Anyway, for those of you with meaningful things to do with your time instead of watching E!, let me catch you up. When Kanye did not win for his video "Touch the Sky", he climbed onto the stage, interrupted the winner's speech (some French dude), and threw a hissy fit.

He said, "it cost a million dollars, Pamela Anderson was in it. I was jumping across canyons ... if I don't win, the awards show loses credibility ..."

I'm not kidding. For real, that's what he said, "the awards show loses credibility". I thought for sure he was kidding, because only a spoiled child is capable of such breathtaking arrogance, pride, and selfishness.

In a dignified, just world, this would be a career-ending foible. Unfortunately, we live in a pop culture that forgives just about everything of entertainers as long as you keep spitting out catchy tunes and partying with Diddy on his yacht. Losing your mind will only get you your own reality show, and being ignorant, rude, and prideful just makes you a bigger draw on the red carpet.

Not that it matters, but the video in question isn't even good! It's actually pretty terrible. For starters, the song is ridiculous ... with its Vanilla Ice-esque rhymes and enough "ugh, ugh huh"'s to make you wonder if Will Smith is singing backup (he's not). The Evil Kanyeval storyline with the black girl/white girl Pam Anderson subplot is offensive at worst and just plain silly at best. Really, Kanye should have been happy just to get the nomination.

To see the clip of Kanye being a tool on iFilms, click here.

Bad day

I'm having a bad day and everything is really getting on my nerves. It started at Tryst this morning when I got my head bitten off by a grumpy barista. He had served two people who had ordered after me, so I simply asked, "do you have a medium chaipuccino order there?" He barked back, "not yet! dude! relax!"

Dude . Relax. I wanted to lunge over the counter and choke him.

Then, just now, I went to the men's room where I found a guy standing at the urinal next to me talking to someone on his bluetooth earpiece! Unbelievable. I flushed and made as much noise as possible, but the guy seemed completely unphased. This man was in flagrant disregard for rule #2 of Ken's Rules to Live By.

I want to move to an island. I miss Florence King's "Misanthrope's Corner" in National Review.